· In confrontation: your intention is to attack, not to communicate.

· In conversation: you have the intention of communicating, really communicating with the other person.

To listen, to learn, and to understand the other person you have to have conversations – not confrontations.

The only reason you feel like you are having difficulties understanding others is because you are too afraid to have real conversations.

You think you are communicating when you are using passive-aggressiveness as a way of communication. You think you will be listened to when you are using anger, manipulation, and some sort of aggression as your way.

These things that you are using as a way of communication might look like communication but actually, they are not.

“I believe that you cannot have a civil conversation with anyone while your intention is to confront and attack the other person.”

When I talk about this concept with friends, I always hear similar things:

· But they (every other human being except you) don’t deserve my respect.

· Why would I change my confrontation tactics when the other person deserves it?

·It is the fault of others that I am this way.

Those thoughts should make us cringe.

“You are blaming someone else for the way you talk to others.”

What really makes me an effective communicator is when I have the intention of having real conversations.

For the longest time, I found it difficult to change my old habit. What I’m used to is to confront the other person. Attack. Destroy the other person if possible. Have my way at any cost to my relationship.

It took me a long time to really understand that attacking others through your communication is really weak.

Aristotle said:

“It is the mark of an educated man to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.”

And I didn’t get that before I became more conscious of my conversations.

If you don’t know how to have better conversations, here are some ideas:

· Listen to your boss even if you do not like what you are hearing.

· Listen to an idea with an open mind that you completely disagree with.

·Resist the temptation to attack the other person as he/she is attacking you through angry words.

· Remember that there are some battles you lose even if you win. We cannot go through conversations while wishing to come out winners of every conversation because then we would not learn a single thing.

Related links:

A case for disagreement in a communication

Which of these types of communication do you have?

Arguing with others is “boring”

To your inspiration,

Banchi