Conversations are not about “winning.” They are about learning.

Everybody wants to be granted the gift of feeling understood. Everybody wants to be listened to. Everybody wants someone who does not attempt to “help” or “make” the other person feel better. Who does not try to fix a problem or thinking about a solution. You want someone who does not mix his own feelings and keeps judging you.

I get it.

If I ask you, “When do you feel the other person values you?” and I am sure you would say something like, “When that person lends me his ears and his heart.”

Sometimes we miss this obvious thing that is staring at us in the face. We would like to converse with others with no intention or agenda. Because we feel valued when we receive the same things in return.

But we forget the moment we are having conversations. We are already thinking of what to say next. We are already figuring out how to coax, convince or present our case. We are hearing — not listening — to guide the one we are talking to somewhere.

Below are six of the most common things we forget when we communicate with others. These things you keep forgetting are actually destroying the quality of your communications.

1. Listening

Listening does not mean hearing. It does not mean having internal conversations inside your head. Get out of there. It does not mean you get to mix your feelings with what you are hearing. It does not mean judging the other person for his opinion. It does not mean interrupting.

It means opening your ears. Looking at the person talking to you. It means not plotting your counter-argument. It means you are not there to fix something. It means you are not supposed to glance at your phone. Put the darn thing away.

“There is a voice that doesn’t use words.” — Rumi

2. Don‘t try to win.

This will snarl your ability to clearly communicate. Your priority should be to make yourself understood and to try to understand.

3. Focus

Don’t multitask. Don’t text, look beyond the person you are talking to. Don’t think about the things you have to pick up at the supermarket.

Quiet your inner chatter.

“The quieter you become, the more you are able to hear.” — Rumi

4. Be polite

If you are cruel, tactless, snarky, rude, you will create a noisy interference. Nobody wants to listen to someone when he does not respect the other person.

5. Don’t assume

In my effective communication classes, I have learned the value of communicating clearly. Using irony, cutting remarks and being passive-aggressive are not signs of effective communication. I have nothing against sarcasm. But it angers me when it is taken for intelligence. It is not.

I would rather ask someone what he means than spend energy trying to figure out what he really means.

So, don’t deduce, suspect or estimate what someone is saying or not saying. Use your words. Don’t guess. Ask. Confirm. You will save so much time.

6. Don’t play games

Don’t say one thing to accomplish another. Don’t say no when you mean yes. Stick to saying what you mean. Clean up your intent.

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To your inspirations,

Banchi