Become a master of people skills.

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You stare at your colleague who is talking to the whole group, not listening to a word he’s saying. You try to be like him — someone who is interesting and always seems to have people around him. “Why can’t I interact with others like him?” You start fiddling with your phone on your hand. “Crack!”

That happened at a company meeting where the boss have called all instructors. I dropped my phone because I was nervous. I didn’t know how to talk to my boss. Here I am silent and wanting to get the hell away. While my colleague who is not even good at his job is making our boss smile at his terrible joke.

I felt like fish out of water.

No matter how old we are or what types of jobs we do in our lives, we all need people skills.

Whether you are a woman or a man. A high school student or a CEO of a giant company. A salesperson or an accountant. A shy person or a confident one. Almost all situations need people skills.

Think of these scenarios:

· You are among your friends and no one is listening to you or giving you any attention. But you want and need to no longer be this ignored person.

· You have an idea for a business and you have to convince investors on your idea.

· ·No one hears your voice in company’s meetings or discussions. Either because you have not spoken or your voice was not able to grip the minds of the others.

· ·You shy away from confrontations and any kind of conflicts. And you realize that method is not serving you and you need a solution.

You see, when people talk about people skills, they incorrectly assume that some people were born with some kind of inner magic. That makes them skillful with all kinds of perfect engagements with others.

Look, no one is born with this skill. People skills is a character trait that we can all cultivate. In fact, I believe that this skill is one of the essential skills that we need to develop daily if we want to be successful in our personal lives. Our business. Our social interactions. And our well being.

Yes, some people naturally attract others and are more charismatic. But people skills are much more than that.

I know people in my personal development classes who have started shy and awkward. And through relentless practice changed themselves into people who are confident and can speak their minds.

But how do you become so confident that you can speak your mind no matter where you are? How do you get people to listen to you? How can you influence others through your personality?

How do you gain people skills?

It’s something my blog readers often ask me. I received an email last week that asked:

“How did you become such a good public speaker? Are you not afraid to stand in front of many people and speak? How did you develop this skill? I’d love to hear about your experiences.”

Here are exercises you can use to develop your people skills:

1. Show genuine interest in others.

I will never be a person who fakes smiles and make excuses to run away from others. All my articles on effective communication have thought me an important lesson.

If I want others to listen to me, to respect me, to value me, I have to show genuine interest in others. I should not expect from others what I am not willing to give in the first place.

We have stopped being truly interested in others. Not caring enough. Being indifferent. Staying in our heads. And escaping in our minds — when we are talking with others is essentially killing our communication.

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” — Dale Carnegie

2. When you are conversing with others, try to be open to them.

People who enter into conversations with an attitude of “I know everything, I am the only one who is right” have zero people skills. If you have such kind of attitude, you repel others. Who would want to be with a person whose mind is closed off and is there to point out that he is the only one with the correct idea?

Emerson said,

“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn from him.”

Nobody has a monopoly on knowledge. You may be the smartest person in the world. But chances are, someone right next to you, a friend, an acquaintance, or even a stranger, has something valuable to teach you.

They may be “better” than you in this particular field. But rest assured, they are not better than you in everything.

3. Respect others and do not try to change them.

I have learned that listening to someone’s idea even if I do not agree is not the same as accepting the idea. I have learned that I have a better chance of laying out my ideas if I respect the other person including his ideas (even if I do not agree with what I am hearing).

If you do not show respect, then nothing is going to help you. That person is not going to give you his time. He will not listen to you. He will even go as far as hating you. He will even become aggressive towards you.

That does not help you in improving your people skills.

“The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. Remember that tomorrow when you are trying to get something. If, for example, you don’t want your children to smoke, don’t preach at them, and don’t talk about what you want; but show them that cigarettes may keep them from making the basketball team or winning the hundred-yard dash.” — Dale Carnegie (From the book ‘How To Win Friends And Influence People’)

4. Learn to master your emotions.

Look, some people are going to make you angrier than you have ever been in your entire life. Unless you learn to check your emotions, you will be one of the many who live life re-actively. I have realized that it’s impossible to change others.

What others feel is none of my business. I can only change myself. I can develop my people skills by not letting worthless emotions consume me.

Practice being pro-active rather than reactive. You have everything to lose by just acting and reacting. Let yourself pause. Let yourself breathe before you shift into full gear.

The happiest folks are those who stop and think before they act.

5. Try not to let ego get to your head.

If I am in a company meeting and my ego demands that I interrupt that person because I want to hear my voice, I resist that temptation.

Whenever that voice in my head asks me to do something, I question the intention. If the intention is coming from ego, I resist it. If the intention is good (like I have something important to say, like I have a new idea to share, like I have a question to ask, etc.) then I know that it is a correct path to follow.

Ego starts with you trying to have the last word, a single sentence was thrown out there to attack that person or a verbal attack that has the intention of making you feel good about yourself and the other person bad.

Out of this intention, an argument is born.

You forget that the other person may have a point. You forget that person is important to you. You forget that winning an argument over someone that you care about is short-sighted. You forget that you cannot take back the words that you have spoken out of spite or anger.

You forget that you can only change yourself and cannot change others.

In what seems like an instant, your ego has taken full control of you and you are his servant.

We could say that a person is responsible for making you feel this way. For provoking you into an argument. For daring you into verbal fights. For putting you in this position. But all of that would just be a lie. An excuse. It is simply you avoiding the truth.

It is not that person who made you into a person who must have the last word. It is not that person’s fault who made you good at arguments. It is not the fault of any external source who made you decide to argue and argue as if your life depends on it.

In your desire to come out a winner in all your arguments, you lose sight of what is truly important and get lost in the useless and unworthy arguments.

You get sucked back into this urge from your ego to argue with this person who is having an opinion that you do not even understand.

At the moment, you forget that arguing with this person is pointless and has no meaning whatsoever to your life. It does not add anything to your life and yet you find myself doing it because it has become a habit and you don’t even know that you are doing it until after it has happened.

Rather than upholding yourself to the highest standard, you put yourself willingly into the whims of others. Again and again.

When you don’t agree with something, say “I don’t agree”. People will respect you. If they don’t, it is their prerogative. It has nothing to do with you.

Every time you are tempted to put yourself into the middle of an argument, ask yourself:

“Tell me. If you win but it feels like you’ve lost something of bigger value, does that count as a win?” Dushka Zapata

6. We can have peaceful conversations (as long as we understand that our perceptions are not the same as the perceptions of others).

What is something that you truly believe in? Do you bring that belief in every one of your conversations? Do you make it a habit to convince others that your perception is the only reality? If you do that, then you need to brush on your people skills.

You have forgotten that others see the world through their own eyes, just like you do.

It took me a long time to realize and swallow that truth. Others have their own perspective just like I do.

We all know this and yet whenever we hear something we don’t like or completely disagree with, we hate the person who possesses that hateful idea, we become clouded with too much anger to ever listen to reason and we become adversaries.

We are not on a battlefield with our armors prepared to attack and defend our honor.

But we might as well be, because:

· We attack the other person by disregarding his idea.

· We consider the person with a different idea as our #1 enemy.

· We fight in verbal games to get only our point across.

· We don’t ever want to listen to that person.

· We don’t want to understand.

· We don’t want to see the world through someone else’s lens.

· We don’t want to respect the other person by lending our ears. (We justify our actions by saying to ourselves why should we when we have not been given the same respect)

· We want to win the war at whatever cost.

We can do better. We must consciously realize that we see the world through our lenses. Every one of us has a unique lens that makes us uniquely see the world.

My behavior, culture, race, location, education, and experience are different from everyone. I should not expect others to see through my lens.

We should all stop constantly interpreting what we perceive in ways that can cause us to doubt ourselves. We have to stop sinking deeper in mires of misperception.

That is what Stephen Covey meant when he said:

“Seek first to understand. Then be understood.”

If you give priority to understand the other person before you do anything (like talking, like thinking of an answer, like interrupting that person, etc.), you will accomplish many things.

Do you want to know these accomplishments?

Here are some of them:

· You get the intention behind the words you are listening to.

· You develop active listening as a habit.

· You learn effective communication.

· You give value to the other person.

· You see the world through the other person’s lens.

· You feel the emotions behind the words.

· You get a clear message.

· You learn to disagree agreeably.

· You learn from disagreements.

Guess what all of these things will give you?

You get your chance to talk and through this process, you will have a much better chance of being respected, listened to and understood at a deeper level.

7. Learn not to take everything personally.

This is the most important factor in people’s skills.

Life is nothing but full of challenges. If we take everything personally, not only do we become bitter people but we also lose ourselves in the process.

Are you getting angry because people are not responding to you?

Maybe, their response has nothing to do with you. Maybe, they are dealing with their own life. Every time you are tempted to take things personally think:

“Maybe — — — ”

8. Develop your communication skills.

I have learned that listening is the key element in effective communications. If I want to connect with others, I have to listen to what others have to say first. It is only then that I can provide a thoughtful answer that shows I have taken those ideas into account.

To be a better listener — be absorbed in the person talking to you. Listen for intention when the person talks. Listen to what he is saying. Listen to what he is not saying. Listen for total meaning.

While listening –be present in the mind.

Listen like a person about to learn some invaluable secret.

9. Be comfortable with yourself.

I used to envy this person in my company who has the most charismatic nature I have ever seen in anyone. I admired the way he walks. The way he speaks to others. The way he attracts everyone around him like a magnet.

But, trying to copy someone for whatever reason is wrong and it has a huge cost.

Yes, I observe my mentors and how they interact with others but I will never copy them. I do not want to be anybody, but myself. I am comfortable in my skin.

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These are the lessons I’ve learned when I was developing my people skills. I believe that it can be done.

The most important thing is that you practice them.

And when you practice, others can gravitate towards you. If you have been a servant of your ego, do the opposite. Control it before it makes you unlikable. If you have not been showing interest in others, start showing genuine interest. If you are having conversations while you are also having an internal dialogue in your head, start muting your inner dialogue.

Be the kind of person who others find interesting, inspiring, and want to be around a lot.

No one said it best than Dale Carnegie in his best-seller book ‘How To Win Friends and Influence People’:

· Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.

· Give honest and sincere appreciation.

·Arouse in the other person an eager want. It’s much better to let people realize something by themselves instead of trying to force them.

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To your inspirations,

Banchi