If you are in your office and you are having conversations with your colleague, think of understanding that person first rather than to be understood.

The late Steven Covey who has written an excellent book on the seven habits of highly effective people said that empathic communication is the best way you can get your point across. This works in every kind of relationship.

Here is what he said in the 5^th habit of highly effective people (according to the book):

“Seek first to understand. Then be understood.” Steven Covey

That is an insightful saying that actually helps everyone in any kind of conversation.

Imagine you are at a family dinner and you are having disagreements. Rather than shouting and fueling the anger that is trying to burst out of everyone involved, do the opposite of what you are used to.

Forget your emotions and your anger and try to listen with the intention of understanding everyone. And then, you will be able to see a point (a message) that no one was able to see because they were all wrapped up in their own emotions to see what is right in front of them.

Have you ever created a war when you were using a transportation with a passenger because you deeply hate the other person’s idea?

I have. It took me a long time to realize and swallow a truth. That others have their own perspective just like I do.

We all know this and yet whenever we hear something we don’t like or completely disagree with, we hate the person who possesses that hateful idea, we become clouded with too much anger to ever listen to reason and we become adversaries.

We are not in a battlefield with our armors prepared to attack and defend our honor.

But we might as well be, because:

· We attack the other person by disregarding his idea.

· We consider the person with a different idea as our #1 enemy.

·We fight in verbal games to get only our point across.

·We don’t ever want to listen to that person.

·We don’t want to understand.

·We don’t want to see the world through someone else’s lens.

·We don’t want to respect the other person by lending our ears. (We justify our actions by saying to ourselves why should we show respect when we have not been given the same respect)

· We want to win the war at whatever cost.

We can do better. We must consciously realize that we see the world through our own lenses. Every one of us has a unique lens that make us see the world in a unique way.

My behavior, culture, race, location, education and experience is different from everyone. I should not expect others to see through my lens.

We should all stop constantly interpreting what we perceive in ways that can cause us to doubt ourselves. We have to stop sinking deeper in mires of misperception.

That is what Steven meant when he said:

Seek first to understand. Then be understood.

Let us all have this quote printed out in big bold letters:

SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND!

If you give priority to understand the other person before you do anything (like talking, like thinking of an answer, like interrupting that person, etc.), you will accomplish many things.

You want to know these accomplishments?

Here are some of them:

·You get the intention behind the words you are listening to.

·You develop active listening as a habit.

·You learn effective communication.

· You give value to the other person.

· You see the world through the other person’s lens.

· You feel the emotions behind the words.

·You get the clear message.

· You learn to disagree agreeably.

·You learn from disagreements.

Guess what all of these things will give you?

You get your chance to talk and through this process you will have a much better chance of being respected, listened to and understood at a deeper level.

Covey was right when he said empathic communication is an essential key to have a successful life.

That is why Dale Carnegie has sold over 15 million copies for his book on effective communication entitled ‘How To Win Friends and Influence People’.

That is why many people keep on enrolling to online classes given by the Carnegie Institute on different classes on effective communication.

Here’s a list of inspirational quotes that always get me to listen more and talk less, to try to understand rather than close my mind. I have a print out of these quotes and I have put them somewhere I can see daily. That way, I get reminded to be a better communicator (in turn a better person).

“I vehemently disagree with what you say, sir – but I would fight, if necessary risking my life, for your right to say it. A Philosopher       

“The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree, but still hold hands.” Unknown

“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” Aristotle

“Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.” Mahatma Ghandi

“The most important thing in communication is to hear what is not being said.” Peter Ducker

“For good or ill your conversation is your advertisement. Every time you open your mouth you let men look into your mind.” Bruce Barton

“The quitter you become, the more you can hear.” Dr. Richardard Alpert

Related Link: Check out my article on ‘The Best Way To Improve Communication Skills!‘

To Your Inspirations,

Banchi