We want equal opportunities where we could compete with our male counterparts.

There’s a feminist idea that seems like it’s empowering but actually puts women at a disadvantage.

A couple of weeks ago, some of my male colleagues were given a salary raise as part of their annual review process. I was not given one. When I asked why, my female boss said, “I give women pay rises when they ask for them,” She continued with a proud voice, “Women don’t ask enough and I want to reward them for asking. It’s really important to me, as a feminist.”

Her statement floored me.

At first, I didn’t know what she meant. Did she mean every time a woman asks for a pay rise or a promotion she would get one? Surely not. But the more I thought about what she said, I realized that’s not what she meant. What she meant was she only gave pay rises or promotions to women if they asked. No asking, no pay rise.

Is this feminism? Really?

This feminist idea seems empowering but you know what?

It’s a real disadvantage to women.

Because after what my boss said, I spent my weekend preparing presentations, spreadsheets, and pre-prepared speeches to prove I should be given a pay rise. While I was preoccupied with doing something I shouldn’t have been expected to do in the first place, Solomon was celebrating with colleagues for his pay rise with a virtual wine tasting.

Is that fair? Is that giving equal opportunity? And how is it that a woman doesn’t get that what she said actually puts women at a disadvantage?

I’m happy for Solomon. No, actually, that’s a lie. I’m not happy for him and that’s not because I’m the jealous type. I’m not. My head and spirit are going down because my male colleague didn’t have to spend his time and energy preparing to convince HR of his worth.

Women still fight for what we deserve

Let’s be real, a lot of time this is the reality many women navigate. You have to do a damn good job of convincing people to hire you. Even after they hire you, you have to keep convincing the people you work with that your talent and skills are worthy. You can’t afford to make a mistake on your job. Never mind that your male colleagues do not have to constantly prove themselves. You’re a woman. You have to prove yourself again and again and again. This is a burden only you carry. After working for many years, you expect that you no longer have to carry this burden. Surely, by now, HR knows your credentials and experience. Surely they will not ask you to prove yourself again.

Surely your bosses will consider you for a pay rise or a promotion as part of the annual review just like they’re considering their male employees.

Except, you’re asked to wait at the door.

And you’re the only one who’s asked.

You’re not going to get in until you put time and energy into preparation. Preparation to create convincing PowerPoint slides. Slides that show HR you’re worthy of a pay rise or a promotion or a higher position.

According to this feminist idea, a woman waits at the door. She waits for someone else to invite her in for a pay rise or a promotion. She has to wait at the door even if she has experience. Unless a woman makes a good case and convinces HR of her worth, she will never be invited in.

What is maddening: a man saunters into the room with no invitation. This ‘don’t ask, don’t get’ mentality doesn’t apply to men. Men are not made to ask for what they deserve. It’s simply awarded as part of their annual review process.

Calling this a feminist idea is laughable.

I’m a team leader now and I know how hard it is for a woman to get a seat on the table. Even after working for 9 years as a personal development trainer, what pisses me off is I’m still expected to convince HR of my worth.

I agree that women should solve their own problems. If, for example, my teaching methods are not good enough to merit a pay rise, it’s up to me to upgrade my talent and skills as a teacher. If I want a pay rise, I have to give 100% to my job. I have no problem with that. No one should help me get preferential treatment because I am a woman. I’m all in to see women coming up with tactics and approaches that will lift themselves up and out of difficult situations – the master of their own successes, against the odds.

The problem is we’re not competing equally with our male counterparts. The stage for going up the ladder is not equal. Men do not have to make a case for a pay rise or a promotion. While women are expected to take on this mental labor.

I’ve worked in institutions where women were encouraged to have a voice and fight for what they want. Part of my job is to teach women. I hear a lot. When companies create a space to hear our voices and perspectives, it does empower us. But more times than I care to admit, the same voice that empowers a woman to speak up also has a ‘don’t ask, don’t get’ mentality.

Unless there are fair and equal systems and structures, this feminist idea is failing women.

It’s failing us because…

It puts an unnecessary burden of responsibility onto our shoulders. We’re forced to take on the mental labor of making a case for a pay rise or promotion that would simply be given to us if we were a man. It’s failing us because we’re not competing equally with our male colleagues. It’s failing us because the additional labor of convincing HR of our worth every year is exhausting. It’s failing us because even after working for many years we’re expected to prove our credentials to the people who hired us in the first place. It’s failing us because we’re working as hard as everyone else, if not more, and we’re asked to wait at the door and make a PowerPoint slide on who we are and what we have accomplished so far.

It would be fair if men were asked to do this mental labor.

But nope.

I’ve never seen a male colleague make a case for a pay rise or a promotion like I’m expected to do.

For real change to happen, there has to be fair ground.

I would call it a fairground if a woman competes with her male colleagues equally. I would call it a fairground if a woman does not have to prove herself again and again while a man saunters into an annual meeting where he is expected to get a pay rise or a promotion. Women deserve the same expectation. I would call it a fairground if a woman does not spend time and energy making a case for a pay rise or a higher position. I would call it a fairground if the burden of change falls not just on women, but on companies creating a fair and equal system for all employees.