Give space.

Of all the romantic gestures, standing guard over the solitude of the one you love triumphs everything else. This choice is an act of strength and self-transcendence when all one wants is closeness. This difficult act may be the very thing – perhaps the only thing – that saves your relationship over and over.

Longing for intimacy and independence is the greatest paradox.

We’ve all had that moment – that moment in our relationship we always find ourselves saying, “If only he leaves me alone for a minute, for a day…” We love him, but sometimes we want to be left alone.

This is the paradox of loving someone. You long for intimacy and independence at the same time. You want to spend quality time with your partner. You also want to spend time by yourself, doing your thing.

If we don’t get a handle on this delicate balance, love shrivels.

An insightful person in the dawn of the twentieth century has already recognized the importance of giving space.

The finest advice on the secret to a loving and lasting relationship was written in a letter in 1902.

Rainer Maria Rilke, a great poet, had an abiding insight into the turbulences of the human heart. In a letter to the trailblazing German expressionist painter Paula Modersohn, Rilke offered some spectacular advice on managing the bipolar pull of autonomy and togetherness in a way that assures the longevity of any close bond and protects love from self-destruction.

His letter staggers me. I read it again and again in awe of its powerful message. My hope is that you find it as important to your relationship as I do.

Rilke writes,

“I hold this to be the highest task of a bond between two people: that each should stand guard over the solitude of the other. For, if it lies in the nature of indifference and of the crowd to recognize no solitude, then love and friendship are there for the purpose of continually providing the opportunity for solitude.”

You’re not just supposed to give space. You’re supposed to stand guard over the solitude of the one you love. You don’t just have to be okay with giving your partner space. You have to make sure your loved one gets any space he needs. Like a tree shade guarding us against the blazing sun, you need to stand guard over the solitude of the one you love.

This advice goes against everything pop culture and society taught us. Giving your partner space will be the opposite of what Hollywood romantic films show us.

And yet.

Without giving space to each other, you tear down and destroy all boundaries. Togetherness all the time has a narrow perspective. It robs each individual of his fullest freedom and development.

Standing guard over the solitude of the other holds true not only in romantic relationships but in any close relationship.

A coworker is dating this gorgeous guy. He’s a tech genius, entrepreneur, athletic, and handsome with a cheekbone so chiseled it looks like God took special time to carve his entire body.

He has a fatal flaw, though. He wants to spend 24/7 with his girlfriend, every day of every week.

She can’t breathe without him calling her all the time. She is our friend but we don’t want to eat lunch with this couple. We can’t stand to watch the way he clings to her.

Such clinginess is not romantic.

Standing guard over the solitude of the other is in your power to bestow. Even between the closest human beings, infinite distances exist.

Distance does not mean you don’t love each other. It means you give each other what both of you need. Love can grow if you succeed in loving the distance between the two of you.

Don’t be with someone who doesn’t give you space. Don’t fall in love with someone who clings. Don’t live with someone who gets angry when you want to watch Bruce Willis movie by yourself. And definitely don’t marry such a man.

Instead, be in a relationship with someone who stands guard over your solitude. Be with someone who not only allows you alone time but encourages you to have one. And be that someone as well.