Lessons from my student who died at 53 with only 10 people attending his funeral.

My student hustled, sweated, and drove himself straight into the grave.

A complication of hypertension he had for years took his life while he was sleeping. Only 10 people attended his funeral. 10 people who got the hell out of the service the moment his body was buried. And no, it’s not because of COVID safety.

His family and friends did not come to his funeral because of something worse.

Nobody cared enough to say goodbye to my student. What would you talk about someone whom you know nothing about? Whom you have not talked to for years? Whom you have not cultivated intimate relationships?

When you spend years sacrificing friends and family, the people who matter to you will not show up when you die. Worse, they will not miss you when you’re gone for good.

Like all of us, my student had dreams. A dream that is now buried with him. A dream to take care of a farm his father left him. But his obsession with work got in his way. “When I accumulate enough money, I will achieve my dreams,” he told himself through the years. He worked long, harrowingly long hours, in a high-stress environment (prosecuting clients) year after year with little sleep. Here he was, one of the top hot shot prosecutors at one of the best law firms in the country, completely neglecting his friends and family while taking care of his high-paying clients.

Even his wife had nothing nice to say about him.

The biggest regrets of the dying can teach us how to live life better.

A palliative care nurse, Bronnie Ware, made a list of the biggest regrets of the dying. When dying people were questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again.

The most common are: I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me; I wish I hadn’t worked so hard; I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends; I wish that I had let myself be happier.

These are lessons people learn too late in life. These regrets paint a portrait of a post-industrial man, who shrinks himself into a shape that fits his circumstances, then turns dutifully till he stops.

My student was such a man.

But here is the thing…

He did not plan to abandon his friends and family.

He forgot. He forgot the most important things in his life while he “obsessed” with being the best at his work.

There are dangerous mistakes we make by default.

Because you are busy trying to be the best at your work, you neglect your family and friends and forget to be happy.

This happens to all of us more than we think.

My student did not set out his life to deliberately sacrifice his friends and family. Like many of us, he made errors of omission. It’s not that he wanted to abandon his friends and family. It’s not that he did not want to be happy.

He simply forgot.

This “obsession” or “drive” to always work has serious side effects. Yes, you have to work to pay the bills. To put food on your tables. To buy the house. To get the promotion. The problem is when you work and sweat 24/7, every day, and every year.

We neglect our loved ones because we are busy hustling and driving ourselves with work. We take what matters the most, our friends and family for granted. We don’t mean to distance ourselves from them. We’re “too busy” with our career goals. We think we’ll give our time and presence to our friends and family, after we get the highest position in the company, after we become “rich enough”.

We turn our friends and families into trophies. Trophies we will get once our plate is empty.

This is a fallacy.

For one thing, our plate will never be empty. There’ll always be something to accomplish, more to do, in life. For another, our friends and families are everything.

That’s why we need to create reminders that help us avoid the biggest regrets of the dying. Unless we make our loved ones a priority, they become something we think about only when we have spare time.

I would like to avoid making these mistakes.

How do you avoid mistakes you make by default?

Make your life to have other defaults.

Make it easier for you not to make these mistakes. Since these mistakes happen by default, you have to be reminded not to make them.

A note on my nightstand reminds me to never make these mistakes. I change this note every day because I change my to-do lists every day. But the most important thing on my to-do list is not my to-do list but rather my reminders I read every day.

Here is a sample of my to-do list that has my reminders on its top:

These reminders on the top of my to-do list help me avoid the biggest regrets of the dying.

It’s time for all of us to slow down, look around, and spend time with people who matter to us. I’m not talking about five minutes snatched here and there while staring at a screen. I’m talking about a quality time when you are fully present with those around you and your surroundings. It’s not always easy to love the people you care about. You won’t always love them. Sometimes they’ll annoy you, or you’ll disagree. And that’s okay.

No one and no relationship is perfect. We’re all doing the best we can.

The important thing is you love your loved ones today. Make time for them, even if your relationship has ups and downs, and let them know you care while you have the chance.

And you know what helps you to never neglect your loved ones?

A reminder you see every day on the top of your to-do list.

So, not to make errors of omission when it comes to your loved ones, create reminders on the top of your to-do list.