You don’t build your relationship when you settle for proving yourself right.

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In the 1960s, Peter Wason, a psychologist, conducted an experiment. It is called a 2-4-6 task. It’s a fascinating riddle where you get to play with numbers. In the riddle, a sequence of three numbers governs its rule. Some sequences pass the rule and some sequences don’t.

2-4-6 is an example of a sequence that passes.

If you were to play this riddle, what sequence of numbers do you test to pass the rule? Do you test 4-6-8?

In the experiment, 4-6-8 passes the rule. What other sequence of numbers do you test? Do you continue testing any three numbers that increase by two like, 8-10-12, 12-14-16, 14-16-18, 16-18-20, and so on?

This riddle sounds ridiculously easy, isn’t it?

But wait for it…

The correct sequence of numbers is not as easy as most of us think.

If you are asked to test a different theory, something different from your original theory, are you willing to walk on a new road? Are you willing to look for a sequence of numbers that do not increase by two? To try other sequences of numbers? To adjust your expectations? To test a different sequence to prove your original point wrong?

Most of us will continue to prove our theory – our original point.

What has this riddle got to do with your relationship?

How you answer the riddle says something about your relationship. Do you set out to prove a point to your partner? Or are you willing to prove yourself wrong?

Few people are willing to prove themselves wrong.

Most people I know, including me, are obsessed on proving our point.

The first time a professor in college told me this riddle, I set out to prove a sequence of numbers I believed were the right answer. I tested 4-6-8, which my professor said would pass. I then tested 8-10-12. Another pass. I then told my professor, “The riddle is obvious! The rule is any three numbers that increase by two.”

The riddle wasn’t that obvious.

The rule of the riddle is “any three numbers in ascending order.”

When the professor told the class this unexpected rule, I was stumped. If you’re like me who obsesses on proving her ‘x is true!’ statement, you will not spare a second to look for another sequence as a possible answer. You don’t have a second to spare because you are busy proving your point. You continue collecting evidence to support your theory. 12-14-16, 14-16-18, 16-18-20 support your theory, as they represent sequences of numbers that increase by two.

Because you test only sequences that would confirm your theory, you will never prove your theory could be wrong.

My professor had to shout my name to interrupt my flow of numbers. He poured ice on my head when he told me, 100-200-300 passes the riddle’s rule, as the numbers are in ascending order.

I was not the only student who was biased towards proving her point. The whole class was.

We all – every one of us – walk around with a bias that tries to prove a point.

From 50 college students, no one even thought for a second a different sequence of numbers could be the riddle’s rule. The moment I raised my hand and told the class a sequence of numbers that increase by two is the riddle’s rule, other students followed my example. Some students raised their hands and tested out big numbers like 1000-1002-1004.

But, still, these numbers were set out to prove a point. That the riddle’s rule is a sequence of numbers increasing by two.

This bias of proving a point – we all have it.

An experiment supports this. Only 21% of Wason’s test subjects guessed the riddle’s rule correctly. In the experiment, people’s impulses, like mine, was to test only sequences that would confirm their theory.

Only is the keyword here.

This experiment demonstrated people’s bias towards proving a point. If people believe their point is correct, they will fight to find evidence to support their point. Not only that, they would go as far as clutching their theory tight to their chest refusing to see other possibilities that could live outside of their perception.

That is why the majority, 79% of people, did not find the riddle’s rule in the experiment. If you’re unwilling to test a sequence other than three numbers that increase by two, you will never figure out the riddle’s rule can be a different sequence of numbers.

This bias manifests itself in our relationships.

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Proving yourself right ruins your relationship. This insight is important to remember if you want to build your relationship.

These 2 simple examples can show you how proving a point ruins your relationship and what you can do instead:

1. Your partner talks to you in an angry tone. And you set out to collect evidence to confirm your belief that he doesn’t care about you.

You spend a lot of time and energy proving your point. You start collecting evidence to support your point. The harder you try to find supporting evidence, the more you remember moments when your pulse has spiked higher. That morning at your breakfast table when his eyes seemed to release fire when he looked up from his phone. Last weekend when his voice was harsh.

Because you cling to prove your point, your mind steals every space available for other possibilities. His anger might have nothing to do with you. But your obsession on proving your point blocks other possibilities.

Oh, yes, in this road, where you try to prove your point, you might prove your point.

But you lose something bigger. You ruin your relationship.

Why?

Because you don’t build a relationship when frustration and bitterness take hostage of your heart. And those emotions are your default emotions if you always set out to prove a point.

“X is true!” misleads because you ignore other possibilities that might show x might be false. You spend time and energy refusing to leave the road where you continue proving your point in all your mastery, glory, and prowess. Intimacy with your partner will abandon this road.

The harder you try to prove your point, the more stubborn you become, often whoever is wrong, even if it is you, will never admit it. Setting out to prove your point escalates tempers and creates hard feelings between you and your partner.

In this short-sighted road, you put winning above love.

What if instead of proving your point, you prove yourself wrong?

Instead of collecting evidence to support your point, collect evidence to support you might be wrong. Maybe he was angry this morning because his boss had sent him a message that put a glare on his eyes. Maybe he was angry last weekend because of something that happened at work.

Unless your partner retorts lethal slingshots 24/7, you will find something that supports his love for you and that he is not infuriated with you as you thought.

When you don’t set out to prove a point, you put love above winning. You consider a possibility that your point might be wrong. That your “rightness” is tied to your biased perspective.

2. You call your partner. He doesn’t pick up. You leave a voice mail. Then you insist on proving your point: he ignores your call because your relationship is not as important to him as it is to you.

You set out to prove your point that he doesn’t care about the relationship. On this road, where you choose to find only pieces of evidence that support your point, you’d instinctively notice evidence to confirm your theory. He did not pick up your call two times this week. He called you back after 3 long hours.

Because you refuse to leave this road, other possibilities become a blur.

Result?

You are irritated with your partner and he does not have the slightest idea why you are annoyed with him. On this road, compassion, connecting with your partner, and being affectionate have no chance of showing themselves.

What if you are willing to prove yourself wrong?

To see other possibilities?

Maybe your partner did not pick up your call because he was on a plane with no cell phone access. Maybe you forgot he has called you before he took off. Maybe he was in a meeting and he could not pick up your call. Maybe you did not observe but he has left you a sweet note on the fridge.

Oh, yes, the evidence that he did not purposely ignore your call waits for you to acknowledge it. But your insistence on proving your point blocks these clear pieces of evidence. The fog can only clear if your impulse is not to test only theories that confirm your point.

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Takeaway:

In your relationship, obsessing on proving your point ruins your relationship. To put love above winning, to create a space for the possibility that your point might be wrong, to restore warm feelings, to avoid building a case against your loved one, to strengthen your relationship, to fight less, and get angry less, release the need to prove your point. Be willing to adjust your expectations. Be willing to see (or test) other possibilities that show you might be wrong.

Resist the need to prove your point to your partner.

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