You must give love because you have it to give.

Spending time with my grandfather was one of the most memorable moments of my life. He was a charismatic man where he built his home by sharing his love.

Month after month, year after year, I had seen the way he loved his wife. I had seen the care the couples had for each other. I remember one time where grandmother made my grandfather mad. The whole family was there to celebrate a traditional wedding ceremony and all of us saw them fighting with passion.

It looked like they wanted to kill each other. Unbridled and untamed words flew from their mouths. Their eyes were simmering with anger. The veins popped out.

All of us thought their relationship was going for a toss. A certain wreck.

Just when we thought the boat was bound to be blown away to smithereens, something happened.

In the due course of the battle, the arguments, and the relentless exchange of words, one of them started accepting the other. One of them chose to give love.

Maybe, she is right. I have never been in her shoes. I guess I am just being judgmental. I should stop being selfish and ego-centric. Let me just stop. Let me just love her.

During the heat of the battle, as arrows poured down, one of them chose to show love through their actions.

Alright, let me breathe and watch. Let her say whatever she wants. Let me just listen and not react. I know when to talk about this case. Now is not the time. Let me just listen. She is, after all, my girl.

Just when you thought the couple was headed for a bitter separation, one of them chose to realize both of them were seeking the same thing: love and harmony.

Wait a minute. Who am I fighting? She is mine. My wife and girlfriend. My partner. Are we not in the same boat? Let me show my love. Hell, I know, when the dust settles, she will seek my face. Let me love her. Let me hug her.

Love is what you are

You and your partner get into a fight. You fight because you are expecting him to do something and he does not. This expectation is making you wait for him to do something about your relationship.

If you learn to make this elusive distinction between you waiting or doing something about your relationship, things would be so much simpler.

When someone loves you, adjectives in the English language do not do justice for the feelings you have. But toe-curling and life-affirming are the first that come to mind.

To be loved by someone is a privilege. And something we should always never take for granted.

But there is something more you can be and give to the world.

Think on these things. How long has it been since you and your partner had intense and long conversations? Or are you waiting for him to start the conversation you both need to have?

You can be the one who kills this silence which has brought passiveness and routine into your home. You can be the first one who chooses to say, “I love you, let us talk like we used to.” You can be the one who carries this message. A message that shortens the gap both of you created.

That is what loving someone does to us.

It creates a room in our heart that there is always something we can do. This does not mean we don’t get hurt. No one can be free of that. It means we take our relationships seriously. It means we are actively participating.

It means we are not wrapped up in “waiting”. Waiting for them to call us first. Waiting for them to apologize first. Waiting for them to do something unexpected for us. Waiting for them to love us so that we can love them back. Waiting. And waiting some more.

Putting the answer you are looking for on another person leaves you powerless. There is nothing you can do about the actions of someone else — even if that person is the one you love the most. Looking in the mirror and bringing the answer from yourself means you can do something about your relationship.

Even if taking action is painful, even if it makes you responsible, even if it means you have to do something you don’t want to do — choose to be powerful.

This is important because by choosing to show the love you have, you are setting your ego aside. You cannot move a single step towards the direction of your relationship carrying ego.

You love not because you need someone. Not because the other might someday prove useful. You love because love is awesome. And because love is what you are.

Love is what you are

You are lucky if you have friends who do everything they can for you. You are privileged if you have someone who you can call at your time of need and they drop everything to be with you.

But there is something more you can be and give to the world.

You can be that person who leaves everything — even if those things are important to you — to be there for someone in need. You can be a ray of sunshine to your friends by being their friend instead of waiting for them to be your friend first.

It is not that you do not have love, it is that you hide it. It is that we prefer it when someone shows us love.

Waiting for someone to do something for us is what our regular pattern looks like.

To recognize whether you are a person who chooses to show love to your loved ones or you are someone who waits for them to show you love, look in the mirror.

Tell me. What do you do when your partner annoys you? Do you choose to act out of your desire or do you choose to remain patient? The first one does not help your relationship. Giving love and putting your relationship first and you next is how you commit. That is how showing love looks like.

Tell me. What do you do when things go south and you know deep in your heart you are right and your partner is wrong? Do you wait for him to tell you he is wrong? You might have to wait forever. That is not how you commit to the one you love. You choose to treat your partner with kindness, respect, and dignity. Choosing to show your love does that.

Look how you carried him for the past few weeks while he was sorting things out. Choosing to give love does that.

You are the first to plunge into action after the huge fight. You make the first positive statement after you started falling apart. Choosing to give love does that.

You let him know when something isn’t working right for both of you. You tell him when he does something that upsets you, instead of suppressing things. You are there for the long haul, not just for the giggles and good times. Your blustering comes from a place of love. Choosing to give love does that.

Love is what you are

I used to be someone who waited. I waited for my colleagues to ask me for lunch. Waited for my neighbor to ask me for a weekend dinner. Waited for my girlfriends to arrange girl’s night out. Waited for my boyfriend to show me where we are going in this relationship.

It’s not that I did not know how to love. It’s that not showing love kept me safe. I was afraid — afraid of things that scare us. The sense of exposure, being at risk and the trepidation caused by unchartered territory.

If I kept my mouth shut, I did not have to risk getting hurt. My colleagues would not have any chance of refusing my invitation. I could just pretend I know my neighbor. Because asking her would open me up. What if she doesn’t want to hang out with a shy girl? No, it is better to protect this heart of mine. And my girlfriends, let them ask me. I will wait for their call every Saturday.

I waited for them to show me, love, through their actions.

Picking up the phone to talk to a friend felt like a form of self-betrayal, like I was abandoning the self I was familiar with. But my curiosity, hunger for connection and my grandfather’s teachings won over my fear — maybe not every day, but slowly.

Learning to show love made me feel like getting to know the people I love better would be worth me defying my trepidation.

As time went by, I realized I could love more by initiating clear communication. By going out of my comfort zone and reaching out. By going to my neighbor’s house and asking her for dinner in my home. By leaving my comfortable space and joining group of colleagues eating together. By calling a long lost friend and asking her to get back together.

Realizing love is what you are saves your relationships.

If you think love is what you want, you will go searching for it. From his actions. From his words. From his intentions. From his silence. While you are searching, you are not giving the love you already have in your heart.

If you think love is what you are, you will go share it all over the place. Your days of begging for crumbs of attention are over. This approach will cause you to find what the searching will never reveal.

It is a privilege to receive love, to be surrounded by love and be loved. But loving someone gives us so much more. You don’t know how much you can love until you show your love.

To your inspirations,

Banchi