Grant your loved ones the gift of feeling understood.

When I feel overcome by the urge to be inside my head and remain there when I am with loved ones, I remind myself of these things:

Put your urge to speak aside to listen carefully, consciously.

You can ogle your loved one to your heart’s desire and say that you love him but if you are propelled by your own agenda, your mind is buzzing, and have your own intention then you are not listening.

Because we don’t lend our ears and heart to our loved ones, they become unfamiliar through time as if they are strangers. We are not connecting. We are sacrificing coming together in the communion of family meal or breakfast in exchange for our mobiles or the TV that lulls us into feeling we are doing something together. But we are not. We might be sitting next to each other but we are watching alone.

Our brain is not even on.

It doesn’t feel good to be physically present and mentally absent. If I have my own agenda inside my head, I won’t be able to listen with an open mind. So, I remind myself that good listeners have no agenda. They have no intention except listen to what the other person is saying. They are not thinking about what to say next. They are not figuring out how to coax, convince or present their case. They are just open. They put their urge to speak aside to listen carefully, consciously.

Practicing listening with an open mind has a better after taste than anything.

Humility is the antidote to selfishness, pettiness and taking things personally.

I remind myself to practice humility. It is the opposite of weakness. It allows us to admit that we don’t have all the answers.

Humility is the antidote to selfishness, pettiness and taking things personally.

Trying with all our heart to put ourselves in the other person’s shoe makes us suffer less. Just the other day, I disagreed with a close friend of mine and I convinced myself that she hated me. One day later, she called to tell me that she was upset because of something her boss said to her and she is sorry for her behavior. I got upset at something my dear friend said and hours later I realized I reacted that way only because my dad used to get angry at my mom for the same nonsensical reason.

All of us walk around with different lenses that distort reality.

Our perception is not a reality. The price we pay for expecting the perception of everyone we meet to be the same as ours is grave beyond anything we can ever imagine.

We’re all constantly interpreting what we perceive in ways that can cause us to doubt ourselves, miss out on opportunities to really connect and sometimes get disconnected from a loved one — even if they are sitting next to us.

Sinking deeper and deeper in our mires of misperception is costing us. Is destroying our relationships.

To truly meet each other, assuming the other person has the best intention is the best thing we can do for our relationships.

What you push will push you back.

Supporting those I love wholeheartedly is a gift I can give. Choosing to do so is what love looks like in action.

Even if I don’t like some of his interests, I have learned that pushing or manipulating a certain outcome has no place in a healthy love. So I support his love of football even if I don’t grasp the concept of wasting one and half hour watching players follow a ball on a flickering blue light.

Be aware of things that are fact and the things that you add.

Being aware of things that are fact and the things that I add is choosing the option that makes me suffer the least. Most of the time whatever it is that we are adding is just a story. Sometimes the suffering is in the thing, but mostly, it’s in the stories.

I used to fight every day with a co-worker who was always late in arriving at work. And I concluded in my mind by creating my own story of why he was always late. “He is lazy.” “He is indolent.” “He does not have work ethic.” These were my conclusions. I had never once asked him why he was late. I did not pay attention to the strain on his face whenever he came late. I assumed it was the strain of running to arrive at his workplace.

Oh boy, I was so wrong.

One day, I heard at lunch time other co-workers planning to go and check on his mom who was hospitalized. I felt a sinking in my spirits. The shame I felt when I heard those words. I have been working with my co-worker for almost 6 months but I had no idea that his mother was in a hospital for a kidney failure.

Here I was shooting him a dark look every time he comes late as if he is the source of all the world’s evils and he was having a family crisis the whole time. I did not pay attention to his pain and his distress for all this time. Sadness was written all over him and I did not observe even though he was working right next to me. Sometimes I would see his eyes dark with some feeling I couldn’t work out but I never bothered to ask what was wrong.

Tell me. If you love someone or care about someone but you are not paying attention to what they are going through, does that count as love?

Tell me. If you love someone or care about someone but you have not understood them or you have not even tried to understand them, does that count as love?

Tell me. If you love someone or care about someone but the stories you make up in your mind about them is distorting the reality, does that count as love?

Tell me. If you love someone or care about someone but you are mixing in your own feelings or providing opinions when all they want is to be feeling understood, does that count as love?

Tell me. If you love someone or care about someone but you are always trying to fix him or thinking about a solution when all he wants is your complete attention, does that count as love?

Tell me. If you love someone or care about someone but you are always attempting to “help” or “make” the other person feel better when they don’t want you to be their fixer, does that count as love?

I don’t feel one can love fully while not giving attention and being mentally absent.

When someone loves me, I wish to be understood. I want the person I am with to devote their unwavering, unjudging attention to me.

If I am talking about a disagreement I had with my boss, most of the time I am not interested in the other person providing me with a solution — at least not initially.

I want to feel like somebody out there is paying attention to my pain. I want to be heard and contained. I want to be able to convey my thoughts and feelings without interruption.

That will give me the greatest gift anyone can give me: the gift of feeling understood.

If I get that, I feel better already.

Most people I have met are similar. The first and primal need is, it seems, that of a supporting and loving presence.

To be awesome to the people in your life, you have to take care of your relationships, your family and friends. And to do that, you need to grant them the greatest gift of all: the gift of feeling understood.

That is how you get as much of their goodwill into your personal bank as possible.

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To your inspirations,

Banchi