Acting in disregard of the other person.

Paying for it.

Speaking without care for the feelings of others.

Never communicating healthily.

Arguing all the time.

Hearing but not listening.

Judging and passing blame quickly.

Wanting to win every argument – even if it costs you that person.

Being impulsive all the time.

Using passive-aggressiveness as a way of communication.

Shouting back – rather than listening.

Giving in to every urge to have the last word.

The other day, I was having coffee with an old colleague from my old job. At the end of our meeting, I regretted meeting the person. Because I felt like drowning. He has not listened to a single thing I said. He asked ‘tell me about your job and your life now’ and the moment I started sharing my life he interrupted me to tell me a story of his.

And I wanted to shout:

“If you are not going to listen, why are you asking me for my life story then?”

This happened multiple times in our coffee time. And then, I stopped talking altogether. In the end, he told me that he loves my blog and that he is getting valuable lessons especially on my articles on effective communication.

I could not believe my ears.

Yes. I’m not kidding. He told me that right to my face.

I then told him exactly what I was thinking to his face (after all, I am teaching about assertiveness and writing about it):

Me: “You say you like what you are reading from my articles on effective communication, but you did not use any of my advice.”

Him: “What! What did I do?”

Me: “It is what you didn’t do. You did not listen through the whole time we were drinking coffee. You interrupted me multiple times.”

Him: “Oh my God! You’re right.”

My friend, you can’t be a good listener while having the urge to speak.

When I speak, I wish to be listened to. I want the person I’m with to devote their unwavering, unjudging attention to me.

If I am talking about my life or disagreement I had with a friend or some sort of problem I am facing at that moment, I’m not interested in the other person providing me with a solution – at least not initially.

I want to be valued – for what I am feeling. I want to be heard. I want to be able to convey my thoughts and feelings without interruption.

If I get that, I will feel better already.

So, put your urge to speak aside in order to listen consciously and actively.

Active listening trumps communication every time. Listening without prejudice, without making assumptions, without interrupting, is the only way to ensure you’re fostering good communication in your relationship.

Assertive communication is:

· Choosing to actively listen.

· Choosing to set aside your desire to have a say and give the other person the chance to speak.

· Communicating clearly and healthily – without shouting at one another.

·Taking disagreements as part of communication – and never turning them into verbal wars.

·Putting oneself in the shoe of the other person – feeling empathy.

· The opposite of passive-aggressiveness.

Related Post: How To Be Assertive Without Being Aggressive

To your inspirations,

Banchi