Happiness isn’t something that is deserved or earned from something outside yourself.

Looking for happiness outside of you is like expecting the speaker of the ‘Happiness’ seminar to show you the sun you can’t otherwise seem to find. Even when it is right above you in the sky. You are only ripping yourself apart by waiting for somebody to give you what exists within you.

If you have started your journey looking for happiness, then you are not going to find it somewhere else. Your happiness is not residing there.

Do you know what happiness feels like? I have smelled it. I have sniffed at it. From close quarters. From within me.

The seminars I attended did not give me the happiness I was looking for. The books I devoured looking for ways to be happy showed me some ways. But they did not make me happy. Google did not give me happiness.

It has been a few years now since I learned that happiness is an inside job. I have been like a doormat talking about being happy. But willing to wait for “something” to make me happy. I was the one I’d left in the dust. I became the backup, the fallback. The second choice.

By waiting for happiness, you become a place holder. Something to tide you over between now and when you get what you are looking for.

And it hurts to the bone when you don’t find the happiness you were looking for. The ache swells deep in your chest when you are still anxious. And you are still looking for happiness to land on your lap.

Happiness is created within yourself.

I’m driving through traffic. Someone cuts me off. I am furious and feel attacked. And I would abandon the happiness I had before I left my home.

I arrive at my office. I walk in and say hello to the person sitting at the reception desk. She turns her head away and does not reply. I spend the morning wondering why she might be angry at me. Maybe she doesn’t like me. And I would spend the whole day blaming her for my lack of happiness.

I call a friend and leave yet another voice mail. I wonder why she hasn’t called me back. Clearly, our relationship is not as important to her as it is to me. This fills me with sadness. So, until she calls me back, I am not going to be happy.

Ask yourself:

· Are you expecting your romantic partner to be responsible for your happiness?

· Are you relying on your parents to make you happy?

· Are you looking for happiness from one of those self-help books you are reading?

· Are you expecting to be happy after the end of that ‘Happiness seminar’?

· How do you feel when you are alone by yourself? Do you crave the company of others? Do you not enjoy your own company?

· Are you happy when you are at work but lack the feeling when you leave your work?

· Are you happy when you are doing some sort of task like doing the dishes or answering emails or planning your day or watching the TV but you lack the feeling the moment you are finished with the task?

If ‘Yes’ is your answer to the above questions, then you are expecting the impossible, you are expecting happiness to be ready-made.

It is not.

You are the engine of your own happiness.

Not your earthly possessions.

Not your external environment.

Not your education.

Not your bank account.

Not your relationships.

You.

This isn’t a matter of opinion. Science backs it up.

Your earthly possessions might give you something you can show to others and they can enable you to live a luxurious life.

But, if you are not happy, you cannot enjoy any of it.

You cannot “Buy” happiness from your external environment.

You cannot look for it in your relationships.

Your education will give you knowledge, but not give you a forever kind of happiness.

You can take money from your account and buy things that you think might make you happy all the time.

But that is not a guarantee.

Having some wealth will make you happier. But it will never give you true happiness.

You can ask Google ‘How can I become happy?’ And it will give you a list of answers on its first page, but it won’t answer the deepest questions in your heart. It won’t give you, your happiness.

True happiness comes only from one place on earth.

And that is you.

“Happiness is an inside job. Don’t assign anyone else that much power over your life.” — Mandy Hale

You cannot buy happiness from any external source.

Leo Babauta of Zen habits says (bold emphasis: mine):

“We look for happiness from others, but this is an unreliable source of happiness — — . And here’s the thing: it’s not their job to fill our emotional needs.”

Dalai Lama, the Buddhist Monk said the same thing in different words:

“Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your actions.”

So, our happiness depends not on what we have or what happens to us, but what happens in us.

It is our attitude that we choose to make on every moment of our lives that make us happy –not any external source.

It is not the education we have. Or the money we have in our bank account. Or the relationship we have. Or the job we are doing. Or the country we are living that makes us happy.

It is not even the incredible unique skills we have. Or the talents we have. Or our intelligence that makes us happy constantly.

It is us (our thoughts) who are fully responsible for our happiness.

It takes tremendous strength to produce a sunny outlook and optimism. We have to train our minds again and again. It takes discipline and practice to think positively.

But we can do it. It is worth it.

Sometimes we just have to remember that we are alive on this day. Sometimes we have to remember all that we have in our surroundings. Sometimes we have to change our perspective from seeing what has happened to see the silver lining. The half-full glass. At other times, we have to be thankful even for the pain we have endured. Because without it, we would not have known how strong we are.

We appreciate the light of the day because we have seen what darkness looks like at night.

Stop looking for happiness that resides within you — elsewhere.

Would you find water in the Sahara desert even if you look for it all your life?

No.

It is not there.

That is exactly what you are doing if you are looking for happiness in an external source.

It is not there.

Here is what Darius Foroux said about being our own person and self-reliable have tremendous advantages on any kind of relationships that we have:

“The moment we lose ourselves and our identity, we can no longer be the person we want to be. When you’re needy, you only damage your relationships in the long-term.”

So, do not look for the solution outside when you, yourself are the solution.

“If you are bored, fix it. If you are lonely or hurt, comfort yourself. If you are jealous, don’t hope that someone will reassure you … reassure yourself.” — Leo Babauta

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Related:

How You Self-Sabotage Your Own Happiness!

To your inspirations,

Banchi