#4. Pursue deeply personal interests.

Things went south and she knew deep in her heart she was right and her husband was wrong.

And yet…

She treated him with kindness, respect, and dignity. I know this man. He’s one of my students. His wife has the kind of beauty that stops traffic. When this man talks about his wife, he talks about his wife’s commitment to respect him, even when he is wrong. Especially when he is wrong.

Commitment is choosing to do the right thing regardless of your changing mood and flickering passion for someone you love.

Commitment is being respectful to yourself and your partner.

Commitment is the 1^st attractive quality.

Here’re more attractive qualities according to couples I know that make them love their partner more:

2. An ability to see in you what to others is not evident

When someone you love sees something precious in you what to others is not evident, you can’t help but love them more.

This quality is endearing.

And attractive.

3. Pursue something wholeheartedly

“You write even a 200-page blog post with real passion, discipline, dedication, and determination.” My best friend’s fiancé tells his soon-to-be wife. He has told her she is beautiful more times than she can count. But when he tells her she writes wholeheartedly, she’s in love all over again.

It’s not that she promised. It’s that she made a commitment to herself.

She is internally motivated.

According to my best friend’s fiancé, that’s the most attractive quality that makes him love her even more.

When someone you love shows up on time on whatever they’re pursuing. When they follow through, tell them you’re in awe of them.

4. Pursue deeply personal interests

“He can roast and carve a chicken,” she squealed.

My colleague had just gotten married when her husband surprised her with culinary skills. He’s an architect but also has a personal interest in honing his skills in the kitchen.

5. They’re decent

Decency and kindness are endlessly attractive.

Almost all couples I know told me there is an elegance, a grace, a thoughtfulness in being decent, in being gentle to someone you love, in being a good person.

We’re all intensely flawed.

So there’s something infinitely attractive about someone you love who is decent.

6. Have learned the value of communicating clearly

In my 20s, I dated a guy who thought sarcasm was sexy.

It’s not.

Instead of expending energy trying to figure out what someone I love thinks and feels, I would prefer that I talk to him. I prefer clear communication. I don’ want to wonder what he feels about our next weekend getaway.

Irony, cutting remarks, and being passive-aggressive are not attractive. They are not even cool. I have nothing against sarcasm but it’s unfortunate that it’s so often mistaken for intelligence.

7. Have a healthy fight

I have seen some couples who fight like they want to kill. They fight with passion. Unbridled and untamed words fly from their mouth. They trade abuses for abuses, accusations for accusations, claims for claims.

Any person in his right mind would think the relationship is going for a toss. A certain wreck.

Except when you and I would think the relationship is bound to be blown away to pieces, something unexpected happens:

. One of them starts accepting the other.

. One of them chooses to slow down and be patient.

. One of them chooses to realize both of them seek one aspect: harmony.

. One of them chooses to focus on the person and not the action.

. One of them chooses to resolve the conflict.

Through a healthy fight, light shines through.

You can’t help but love someone you love more who never says, “I defeated you,” in your fights. Because “defeat” is a word used in wars.

You can’t help but love someone you love more who stitches the wounds. Who evolves through fights. Who does not try to exterminate you when you fight. Who sees disagreements or fights as something we can learn from one another.

8. Have a knack for changing your mind

“The way she showed me I was wrong was attractive. Not in a way that put me down, but in a way that lends me a pair of wings.”

This is the most attractive quality I ever heard about someone you love from a friend.

We all walk around with a unique perspective. This does not change when we love someone.

I love it when my eyes are suddenly opened in a way that makes me realize I have been wrong, like I unwrapped something clarifying. This feels less like “you are wrong” and more like looking at a wall and being turned towards a window with a beautiful view. “Look, see? See how true it is if you look at it this way instead?”

Now that’s love without hurling your perspective on someone you love.

External beauty is vain.

Physical attractiveness is not the answer to what makes us love someone we love more. At least for most of us, it’s not. We find someone we love attractive and we love them more when they: commit. See in you what to others is not evident. Notice that you’re pursuing something wholeheartedly. Pursue deeply personal interests. Are decent. Communicate clearly. Have a healthy fight. Have a knack for changing your mind.