We kill our relationship in the very hands that carved it.

You know that feeling in the pit of your stomach that tells you that you can’t wait to see your love, that you can’t sleep or eat or do anything because you are counting the minutes till you see him again? Is it time yet?

You are in love. And I know that you believe or want to believe this feeling will last forever. But it doesn’t.

Somewhere along the way, feelings change. Things go south. The love is passing through a rocky road. Disaster has barged in. The storm has stricken and rocked your home.

Your fantasy is being tested.

And somewhere along the way, you kill your relationship in your own hands.

How?

Because the rain you once drenched in seems just like water now. Cold. Gone.

The fairy-tale love that you believe does not have room for imperfections. You start squashing your relationship when you realize that he is not perfect and makes mistakes.

The rain that you loved has become intolerable now.

You once loved running in the drenching rain but now you are soaked through your bones and you don’t want to be wet anymore. When he disappoints you, life becomes imperfect. Boring. Old.

And you assume love will sustain itself. Or love is those lovely moments you had with your loved one when you were the only ones in the world who are walking in the rain.

You forget to think about the long run. When you reach home and see him take his clothes off, you see the imperfections. When he tells you his opinion, you forget your laughs in the rain. Because he has a different opinion than yours.

You want to be perfect. You want him to be perfect.

The rain you once drenched in seems like water now.

You say “all” or “never” or “always”

Rather than argue over the issue (which is what crafting your relationship means), you dredge up the past 20 arguments killing your partnership. You are intentionally hurtful. You attack the person.

You start putting deadly weapons in your vocabulary: “All you ever do is…” “You never do ….” “You always interrupt me.” “You always hurt me.”

You stop being nice

I don’t know why we do this but we stop crafting our connection with a loved one by not continuing to care.

You stop being an attentive listener. You stop making an effort to do the right thing – even when no one would know.

At the beginning of your relationship, you have gone to great lengths till you make that person yours. Somewhere along the way, you forget to be compassionate and dependable. You stop coming through for your love. You stop calling when you say you will call. You stop telling her how you feel.

You start justifying things and making excuses for in the name of keeping something you are afraid to lose

“Sometimes he is mean to me but he loves me.”

“He lies to me about important things but really not very much.”

There are no more grasslands. No green pastures. No streamlined rivers. No rainbows. Now, a storm has come into your home. Disaster has barged in. Disagreements have escalated. Jealousy has crept in. Insecurity has made itself its home in your heart.

Love has waltzed away with the currents of emotion. And the passion has become distasteful. And you don’t want to lose that love.

So you stop paying attention to what you need to do to work at the relationship or you refuse to see what is right in front of you.

You stop communicating

In healthy relationships, you fight. You fight well and you fight fair. Maybe, you did that at the beginning of your relationship. But along the way, you stop communicating to your partner.

You start wanting to win every argument. You have become an expert at judging. And passing blames. You use silence or passive-aggressiveness as your way of communication.

Every time you remain silent, you think it makes you safe but you instead shut out what could be in your relationship and the indispensable ability to develop it.

Maybe you are silent because you don’t want to be hurt anymore. But, not being vulnerable is dangerous – even when you are surrounded by people who love you.  

You refuse to set your ego aside

I love humbleness inside every man. The humility.

We often let our ego run the show and cloud our minds. Behind ego lurks selfishness, arrogance and refusing to let go of what you want.

To preserve what is yours (your thoughts, feelings, and perspective) at every cost – including the relationship you have with your loved one.

I laugh at people who tell me that they have won a fight with a loved one or them telling me that they were able to change the opinions of their partner.

Have you seen a man who has decided to let go of his ego and is humble all the way through?

You will know what humility means when you interact with him. Have a relationship with him and you will fight less. You will get angry less. You will be offended less. And you will suffer less.

You want a connection but you also want to protect yourself

As days, months and years go by, familiarity invites passiveness. And passiveness brings along a routine.

If he has not been listening to you last time, you decide that it is not worth starting a conversation now. You remember how hurt you were.

The last time you went together to a retreat, you don’t have a good memory. What you remember is the hurt. Because he was on the phone or working on his laptop the entire time. So, “why bother?” you say to yourself.

You don’t know how to handle the hurt. So you project an image so hard to the outside world that nothing could penetrate it.

Rather than needing something or doing something to bridge the gap, you protect yourself by stopping your connection to your loved one. Because you don’t want him to hurt you. And the gap goes bigger and stronger.

You stop being honest

One of the things that I learned from my last relationship was that I need to be honest – even if I hurt him. I never told him that I did not like the way he was too close to a female co-worker. I wanted to appear nice, polite and accommodating. So I withhold what was in my heart.

You hold resentments and grudges

Resentment is a symptom that somewhere, somehow you have compromised yourself. We know what bitterness feels like. We have tasted it. Rather than processing the emotion, letting go and starting again – we hold grudges.

Rather than forgiving, we continue blaming.

Rather than having fun in life, we’re busy hating – the one we love.

You snick and enter into your partner’s border without permission

Oh! We think love gives us the right to own another person. Nothing is further from the truth. Wanting me to be the only tune of his life is killing our relationship. Slowly, but surely.

The declaration “You are all I need” does not taste good at all. When that taste enters your home, you know that it tastes bitter. And all you want to do is get the hell out.

You stop developing your team – you and your partner’s

You stop investing in love. You stop putting effort. You thought that the love you have will sustain all by itself. You thought your issues might go away by themselves. You thought that love remains without daily action.