By taking responsibility, you fight less. You get angry less. You feel offended less. And you suffer less.

In 1864, a young man was thinking of killing himself. He was depressed and so far his life had been full of failures. He then made a deal with himself. He is going to take responsibility for everything that happens to his life for one year– no matter what. And he was going to see how that will change his life. If nothing changes, he promised himself he was going to commit suicide.

The world knows this man’s name. William James, the father of American psychology and one of the most influential philosophers of the past 100 years.

Before his famous lecture, “The will to be Believe.” this man was desperate. Even though he was from a wealthy family, he suffered serious health issues. An eye problem that left him temporarily blinded as a child. He was forced to spend his entire life on a strict diet because of a terrible stomach condition.

On top of that, he had back pains that plagued him throughout his life.

He wanted to become a known painter. But every attempt to become one failed him.

His health worsened as he grew up.

Before he turned 30, he found out about an anthropological expedition to the Amazon rainforest. Even though his health was not good, this young man was excited to go on an adventure. And explore the world – if possible find out what he is good at.

But he became terribly sick and nearly died alone from smallpox in the jungle.

He was rushed back to civilization and the expedition left him behind. Upon recovering from smallpox, his back spasms returned worse than ever.

His father was disappointed in him. He had nothing to look forward to. He fell into a deep depression and planned to take his own life.

That is when he bet against himself. He made a vow to take his own life – if nothing changes after his experiment.

He was going to take responsibility for everything that happens in his life – even if those things are not good.

He wrote in his diary that for the next year, he is going to be 100 % responsible for everything that happens in his life.

Things changed after that.

He was able to become the father of American psychology and one of the most influential philosophers of the past 100 years.

You are responsible for everything you do in your life, no matter the external circumstances.

As William James wrote,

“When we become responsible for our own values, we no longer have to struggle to make the world conform to our needs, rather we adapt our own values to fit the circumstances that confront us in the world.”

You are driving through traffic. Someone cuts you off. You are furious and feel attacked. You forget about going to work on time. Instead, you chase this car down.

You are allowed to be upset by the offender who disturbed your day. But it is up to you to not make that driver into a vicious monster who is there to attack you.

You can take responsibility to not attack the person in revenge. You can choose to see him as someone who is definitely not trying to cause you injury.

You arrive at your office. You walk in and say hello to the person sitting at the reception desk. She turns her head away and does not reply. You are angry. How dare she ignores you? Doesn’t she know who you are? Instead of taking responsibility for your response, you blame the person. Giving your driving seat to someone else.

You can take responsibility to not blame the external circumstances. Because you can never control anything outside of you. You can choose to see the receptionist as someone who is not deliberately trying to hurt you. You can see her as someone who is wearing headphones and didn’t hear you.

Not taking responsibility for everything that happens to you makes you a slave to external circumstances.

Taking responsibility means you make yourself in control of your life. This does not mean that you are going to like everything that happens to you. I don’t like it when someone cuts me when I drive.

But blaming that driver does not improve the situation. It sure as hell is not helping me. Blaming the outside world takes away the power from you. It is like putting gasoline on a burning fire. It worsens the situation.

By taking responsibility we take the blow differently. Because we are not all wrapped up in venting at the outside thing that disrupted our lives.

This is important because by taking responsibility, you allow yourself to leverage what happened to you. For good. You use pain for empowerment. You change suffering into strength. Loss into an opportunity.

If you believe that your unruly kids are out of your control, you are not going to take responsibility for them. You already believe there is nothing you can do to change the situation.

This is where belief comes in handy. If you believe you are responsible – including the fact that you do not like your kid’s behavior, then you will do something about it.

Instead of blaming what is happening (that results in suffering), you will see the situation (the bad situation) as an opportunity to be a good parent.

If you believe your boss is at fault for your lay out at work, then you are not going to have enough energy to look for new career paths. You are letting your ego win. You are suffering and will keep on suffering unless you take control of the driver’s seat. And you can do that only by taking 100% responsibility.

If you believe your ex is to be blamed for your terrible breakup, then you are not going to get past this blame. He might be the one who is at fault. Like mine was. But blaming him and continuing to blame him did not make me have an upper hand in my life.

It made me a prisoner. Who kept on blaming something outside of herself and foolishly thinking that things will get better.

It was only when I took an honest look at myself and our relationship that I was able to take responsibility. For not seeing that things were not as good as I thought they were.

We don’t always control what happens to us. But we always control:

a) How we interpret what happens to us, and

b) How we respond to what happens to us.

I have a friend who believes that all her bosses do not like her. Even though she is smart, she always complains about them. ‘I think I am going to get fired.’ ‘I don’t think they like me.’

It is not that she has proof of anything. She just believes she is not good enough. As a result, her work suffers. Because she is already sabotaging it.

If she does not believe that she is going to do a good job, then that belief has the power to make her fears come true. If she tells herself she can’t do it, she doesn’t have that, she is not good enough, she is sabotaging her life.

How she interprets her surroundings is affecting the job she is doing. And the doubtful and negative way she is responding to her surrounding is affecting her present day.

You don’t have control over the way your boss treats you. But you have control over your response. You have control on the quality of work you do. You don’t have control over life’s unexpected struggles that land on your lap. But you do have control on your response. You have control on how to move forward.