Treating our loved ones like game pieces accomplishes the opposite of what we want.

Too often, we treat people as pawns in a game. We do this especially to those we love the most.

An experienced chess player knows when to move his pawns, how to move them, and when to sacrifice them — to win the game. He knows that his pawns have less value than his queen. He knows that his pawns are expendable. And that he has to lose a few to have the upper hand on the game.

He has the right reason for moving pawns here and there. That is how the game of chess works.

But that’s not how love works.

Signs that we are treating our loved ones like pawns:

You meet someone and oh my god he seems perfect. There you are in the phase of love where you see both of you building a beautiful life together. For forever.

You are convinced of this love.

You love what this person can give you.

Whenever he does something that in any way makes you uncomfortable or unhappy, your default is to change him.

You want him to love you the way you love him.

You want to own him.

You intrude on his borders.

You want him to see you through your eyes, not his.

You see him as a trophy, not as a human being.

When he says, “no”, you hear “try harder.”

You don’t want to let go.

You want to possess what you love.

You nag. Your way is the only way.

Yep. This is treating our loved ones like pawns.

Relationships are not games. And yet we treat the people that we love as pawns that we move here and there –claiming that we are doing it in the name of love.

If someone I love treats me like a pawn, my longing for freedom would be so strong that it would overpower any love I feel.

My lover could move me back and forth — making decisions for me.

He hears what he wants to hear or he hears what he said and thinks he can change me. He wants to change my thoughts and feelings and make them similar to his own.

He wants what he wants and he negotiates to get it.

He doesn’t always have ill intent. But he doesn’t like it when I have a different opinion than him. Rather than appreciate the difference, he pouts and acts out, dragging along the issue of my daring to be different from him.

Even if he doesn’t have ill-intent, his actions imply self-ignorance. That is a sign that he is infringing upon my boundaries. That is a sign that he is treating me — the one he loves – like a pawn on a chess game.

If his love is possessive, he wants what he loves to belong to him. And this makes us suffer when what he loves displays symptoms of not really being his (which is inevitable as we can’t own another person) the hurt intensifies.

All these things would accomplish the same result:

I would suffer, wilt, languish, and be severed, from his treatment of our love like a chess game. Despite loving him once, I would want to get as far away from him as possible.

Healthy love is understanding that everything, everything we love is free.

I love chess. I can do whatever the hell I want with my pawns. After all, that is what they are there for. To make me win the game. To smoke my opponent at the game. If possible, to move my pawns quickly and move into enemy territory and capture the king.

I should not do the same thing in my relationship. People are not pawns. They have their own thoughts and feelings — that is different from ours.

If I don’t like the position of one of my pawns on a chess game, I can grab and move it somewhere else. If I don’t like the new position, I can put it back where it was before.

I should not do the same thing in my relationship. If I don’t like his perspective on a certain matter and I want to change him into my way of thinking — that is a problem. A big problem. It means that I have pushed my relationship into enemy territory.

He is not a pawn that I can move around. He has his own likes and dislikes. He has his own interest. He has his own dreams. Just like I do.

He will not move a foot if that is not his choice.

People are not there with us to be taken advantage of or be used. They are there because they have chosen us to be companions who choose to walk with us in these sometimes rocky, sometimes rainbow-lit roads.

Nobody has the right and prerogative to change a person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. Only that person can decide to change — if he/she wants to do.

There is no healthy love without the freedom to think, to feel, and to act all on our own.

Patience and love get you everything you want. Forcing never works. Controlling never works. Pushing never works.

Remind yourself of this: grace. What you want is to handle things with grace. You don’t want to be controlling, irrational, fearful, deranged, and delusional.

Everything someone you love does is a gift. Let it teach you rather than anger you. This hurts. But the alternative is worse.

Discard anything that comes from your ego. She’s mine. How dare she? Why is she not respecting me? How can I keep her? How can I own her?

You should let your loved ones live their lives. They should not be the only tune of your life. Value their friends and family. Stop saying “You’re all I need.”

Saying “no” at any point is the right of every individual — including your loved ones — and anyone overriding it is committing a crime.

Keep earning the people you love every day.