Ask, “What would love to say to this fearful being?”

What do you do when fear paralyzes you?

Fear’s powerful presence in our lives has been magnified this year than any other year. 2020 feels like we cannot take a single step forward without fear marching right alongside us. It’s like a black hole is opening up beneath you and you will fall right through. COVID-19 has made us vulnerable – whether we are the sick, careers for the sick, or those who might become sick. Our experiences differ in both specifics and intensity, but right now terror is a feeling most of us share.

Our inability to understand – let alone control – a deadly virus has made us anxious. Anxiety is something I struggle every day. It’s something with which we all struggle.

These are confusing, chaotic, and uncertain times. I’ve lost a dear friend this year. Some of my friends have lost their jobs. We’re terrified of losing a loved one. We’re terrified of not being able to say goodbye to a loved one. We’re terrified of not knowing when we can hug our parents or grandparents.

Every morning we wake up, fear creeps in,

“Don’t get up from bed. Because today is going to end in your bloody, horrible death.”

You’re afraid you’re going to spend this year’s holiday alone. You’re afraid you will not be able to visit your ailing parents for several months, if not for another year. You’re afraid you’re going to lose your job, if you have not already lost yours. So much darkness. So much fear.

What do you do when fear paralyzes you?

Do you fight it head-on? Do you give yourself a pep talk, anything to get rid of this crippling fear from your heart? Do you throw fear as far away from you as you can?

2020 has taught me fighting fear head-on does not work. I’ve tried to defeat fear. To fight it head-on. To purge my body of it. To cleanse my mind of it – all to no avail. I’ve tried to push fear with force, “Get away from me fear!” Every time I uttered these words to conquer fear, I came out a loser. I was still terrified.

The more I fought fear, the bigger and more powerful that black hole became.

Since the pandemic started, I’ve even used guided meditations to attempt to eliminate fear. I tried telling myself with affirmations that I am fearless and totally confident that my family will survive this pandemic.

Guess what?

The black hole is still lurking right outside my door. Fear is still in my living room, bedroom, and kitchen. Every time I check the coronavirus news, my heart cracks and I’m still afraid.

What is helping me survive this pandemic is to stop fighting fear.

A common interpretation of fear is that it is bad, that we must make it go away, because we blame it for making us cowards. I’m with the Buddhists on this one in that if we resist fear then we make it our enemy, and that’s a battle we’ll never win.

Fighting fear to conquer it is not the answer, my friends. You cannot be free of fear than you can be free of your own shadow. Pushing fear to free your heart from ever being afraid does not work.

Because, what you push will push you back.

The only way to shrink the black hole is to stop fighting fear head-on. That is why I invite fear to come in and I ask,

“What would love say to this fearful being?”

I imagine gentle love inside me whispering to me,

“2020 has been and continues to be a total disaster. And you still have me. If we end up losing a loved one again, I’ll be with you. You belong to me. I love you. You can’t fail at me loving you.”

It sounds ridiculous. But it works. Talking to myself lovingly is grounding. It makes me feel more in control of myself and less terrified. By not fighting fear and speaking to it gently, I’ve found it makes a difference. What is huge and amorphous and beyond my control shrinks. I get a surge of energy pumped through my heart as if an EMT is resurrecting me.

I feel I can survive another day in the darkness that is 2020.

When fear creeps in, what I need is not a pep talk. What I need is unconditional, gentle love. When you bring unconditional, gentle love into the room, fear goes to sleep. It doesn’t leave. It never leaves. But its terrifying, loud voice gets silenced.

Whatever you’re trying to achieve, like surviving this year’s holiday without your family or taking care of a loved one who is sick, can enter the room.

Now you can breathe in slowly and face your day because fear has fallen asleep.

This is the most important strategy we can practice to conquer fear this year:

Instead of letting fear control us, we can shift our connection with it.

Fear does not go away when you refuse to admit you’re scared. It does not go away when you attack it, or when you try to talk yourself out of it. You’re still terrified. Fear does not go away by declaring, “I’m brave!”

At least, for me, it hasn’t worked.

What might work is gentle love. Every time fear knocks on my door, I let it in. I don’t go to war with it. I don’t attack it. Instead, I talk to fear gently every single day. “I know you’re here to scare me. But I know love is going to get me through these tough times.”

You have a better chance of conquering fear if you don’t try to get rid of it.

We’re trying to survive every day not because we are brave. It’s not that fear leaves us. It’s that we let gentle love in and fear starts sleeping at the bottom of our bed. When you imagine love talking to you, chances are, you will find comfort. It is where I comfort myself and find courage.

We’re trying to survive because we ask ourselves, “What would love say to this fearful being?”

We imagine love talking back to us, holding our hands, and strengthening us in these tough times. The love inside each of us is the being who wakes us up every morning and gives us hope.

I get comfort when I imagine love whispering to me, “I see how heartbroken you are. I’m right here with you. I’ve got you. I’m going to be with you no matter what.”

It’s astonishing what it does to my whole system, even knowing I’m the one saying it. I feel the strange bubbly lightness I’ve been noticing more and more these past few days. It is a feeling I’m associating with letting gentle love in. It’s something I want more of. 

Love will not abandon you no matter what.

Love lays the groundwork for me to survive this pandemic. Love doesn’t look the way people talk about courage. Because “You can do this Banchi!” doesn’t work.

I’m still terrified, frazzled, and on the verge of losing my mind.

When the black hole tries to swallow you, when fear’s terrifying presence squeezes your heart, when you feel overcome by the urge to control this terror inside you, remind yourself of this:

Fear doesn’t go away by attacking it head-on. Instead, aim to handle your terrified heart with gentle love. Imagine love talking back lovingly to you. It has a better taste than getting one-on-one with fear. Gentle love in a room helps fear to go to sleep. You will not wobble on your feet. You will be able to stand up and face your day.

When you feel as if the chips are stacked against you, ask yourself,

“What would love say to this fearful being?”

It would probably say,

“You’ve lost loved ones. But I still love you. I’ll get you through this. I’ll wake up with you every morning and remind you of my love.”

Allow fear to walk in your room. For heaven’s sake, don’t get in war with it. Instead of fighting it, practice unconditional, gentle love. Talk to fear lovingly. “I know you’re here to terrify me. I understand why you’re here. But I’m here to tell you, you can stay in the room with me. But love is going to hold my hand and get me through this day.”

This is how you live with the shadow of fear that does not leave you. Fear cannot stand winning against love. Every time you talk to yourself lovingly, fear takes another step away from you. It’s almost like fear puts up its hands and says, “Hey, sorry, Lady! I’ll take my business elsewhere.”

And bravery for surviving a pandemic comes from that. Not from fighting fear but from talking lovingly to fear.

To your inspiration,

Banchi