A gentle reminder to black women to wear their faces proudly.

“Some people say we got a lot of malice
Some say it’s a lotta nerve
But I say we won’t quit movin’
Until we get what we deserve …
Say it loud – I’m black and I’m proud!”

James Brown lyrics from “Say It Loud – I’m Black and I’m Proud,”

This article is for black women – who are thinking about changing their features to “fit in” white institutions. I’m hoping I can convince you to believe in your natural beauty. I’m hoping I can change my best friend’s mindset. As she has decided to get surgery to change her dark features when the pandemic ends.

Maybe you can relate to my black friend’s story.

She believes her dark features are not good enough.

A fun game she played as a child started this insidious belief.

She was darker than others. Her aunts and uncles referred to her as the little black one. In school, students in her class played this game. A girl would find a boy she liked and she’d get married. Every white student had a great time playing the game.

Except my black friend.

In this fun game, her light skinned friend got married to a different boy every day.

Not her.

None of the boys wanted to marry her. She was too dark. She wasn’t white enough. They kept asking her, “you know your children are going to come out really, really dark and that’s not good.”

That really hurt her feelings.

To this day, my friend talks about that game with a haunting look in her eyes.

Society imposes “white” standards of beauty.

Once a white colleague I respected said, “You’re way too pretty to just be black.”

I walked away.

His statement that seems like a compliment had shattered my confidence. I couldn’t get over the fact that he attempted to diminish my blackness. Sadly experiences like this aren’t new to black women.

This happens to us all the time.

Last week, one of my white students exclaimed, “Wow! You look very beautiful for a black girl.”

For a black girl, I thought. Wow.

I was teaching an online class. On the screen, he saw my dangly earrings. My hot red lip gloss. My sheer scarf. My dark hair is unrefined. It is not straight and smooth. It is unruly.

My student is not aware of his unconscious bias. He thinks he is complimenting me. These kinds of compliments – which are not really compliments – make us self-conscious.

That’s kind of screwed up, but it’s true. I’ve felt it.

We’ve to be mixed or “exotic” with light skin. Our hairs need to have loose curl patterns. White beauty standards hold us hostage. We struggle daily with reconciling our beauty with that of mainstream standards. When we show up with our natural beauty, we are unattractive and unfeminine. From our big lips to our wide noses and hips, we’re routinely disrespected.

Our society is constantly imposing “white” standards of beauty upon us. These standards shame us for our inevitable differences. The lighter the skin, the straighter the hair, the closer we come to meeting the standards. That way we can at least be “pretty for a black woman.”

This pisses me off.

And that is why…

It’s damn hard to feel beautiful in our own skin.

We want to feel beautiful in our own skin. We want to love the skin we’re born with. We want to appreciate, accept, and adore our skin color.

But there is always a white person who gives us a disparaging comment or a weird look.

How can we feel beautiful in our own skin when we are being teased and taunted about our dark skin? When a racist remark makes us lose the spring in our step? When everybody looks at us in a weird way? When we feel unseen and unappreciated by the whiteness that surrounds us? When we’re made to avert our eyes from looking at the black woman we see in the mirror?

That’s hard enough on its own.

But there’s something more.

Most of our white female friends don’t relate.

White women do not go through what I’ve described above. When I talk about this issue with my white female friends, they ask, “What are you talking about Banchi?”

We are black women with a strong stand. But we’re also going to change the style of our hair or the way we dress to “fit in”. We change our features to not appear unprofessional. To not get weird looks from our white colleagues. To be invited for a beer. And to get the promotion.

This pressure to look a certain way pushes some women to extremes.

I know black women who spend hundreds of dollars on changing their features. Before they put food on their table, they buy makeups that lighten their dark skin and straighten their hair.

Our white female friends do not understand this pressure.

That breaks our hearts.

Because, we know, we shouldn’t have to do that.

But we do it because we’re working in predominantly white institutions.

To my black friend and all black women to whom fighting to “fit in” white institutions has worn them, here’s something to think about.

Freedom comes from ditching white beauty standards.

There’s a freedom that comes from no longer trying to emulate white beauty standards. There’s freedom in appreciating your unique beauty as a black woman.

We don’t need to meet society’s standards. We are beautiful and we are more than good enough.

I love my dark features, not because the whims of fleeting trends tell me I am allowed to, but because wishing to be anything different is an affront to who I am. Because there is something beautiful in my curves and hues that contribute to the woman I see in the mirror. Because I’m not going to let someone else tell me what I can and cannot love about myself.

Now, I’m more than happy in my dark skin. More than happy. As in THRILLED. I don’t cut my unruly hair short. I don’t straighten it just to “fit in”. I leave my afro hair as it is.

I feel more beautiful as I gain more experiences, as I become more confident, and as I’ve learned who I am.

So can you, my friend. So can you.

I hope you learn to love the skin you’re born with.

I hope you don’t let the pressure of changing your appearance to “fit in” wash all over you.

Anyone who tells you your features are undesirable and less feminine is someone you need to say goodbye to. White skin, blue eyes, and straight, long, blond hair are not the epitome of beauty. Like James Brown’s lyrics, say it loud. I’m black and proud. Repeat it. I’m black and proud. Wear your face proudly. Whether you wear a makeup or not, you are beautiful. Keep the full lips; leave the coarse, high-maintenance hair.

Instead of hiding or altering your blackness, bring out the natural beauty of your dark skin.

You don’t have to listen to “white” standards of beauty anymore.