“I regret not doing things I should have done in my 20s, Banchi.” My best friend whispered to me on her death bed. Her haunting words were her last words to me. I didn’t know that day would be the last time we would talk.

I didn’t check on her the next day because I was busy at work. I woke up to a dark day on September 22, 2019. When the phone rang and I answered it, the news I heard was like nothing I’d ever heard before.

I slammed the phone down in shock, and tears rolled down my face. The wave of grief that settled over me was like a cloud threatening to steal every last ounce of oxygen from my lungs. I couldn’t believe it. Beza, my dear friend who made me smile every day had died at the age of 32.

My friend fought for her life from January 2019 onwards. She was diagnosed with stage IV ovarian cancer. My friend who I’ve seen laughing, dancing, and hugging – was being attacked from within. The victors were rogue cells that had decided to aggressively assault their host. The only question, how long.

For 9 months, my friend talked about her regrets. Things she wished she had done in her 20s. Things she regretted postponing to do them in her 30s.

Learn to make your own decisions

The earlier your start making your own decisions, the better you’re in control of your life. Because when you let others decide for you, you’re giving them your driver’s seat.

My friend managed her father’s electronics store until the day her body failed her. By the time she graduated at 21, her father had given her a position in his company.

She made the family business profitable. But doing her job every day had not been the highlight of her life. “I should have been a nurse.” She chanted the phrase over and over as tears filled her eyes. Regret burned her insides like acid. Why the hell had I let my father decide my life for me? She kept repeating.

You don’t have to lose someone to death for a green light to make your own decisions. This means making peace with the fact that you will often disappoint others. But that is how you live life. On your terms. When the crowd seeks to decide for you, stay true to your decisions – leading by your virtues and the values that feel most real to you.  

Be comfortable with the fact that you cannot manage what others think of you

On our last year of college, my friend and I worked as a saleswoman. We went the extra mile to make our boss think well of us. We did not have money to spend. And yet we starved ourselves to dress nice skirts and do our hair style with the latest fashion. We craved our boss’s good opinion.

What a waste of our mind’s precious space.

We cared too much on what he thought of our dresses and looks. We did not care enough about what we thought of ourselves. We were not mature enough to understand that others can think million things about us. But we should not have given a damn about those thoughts.

Your 20s is the best time to focus inwards. What do you think of yourself? Do you like the dress you wear? What do you think of your look? If others don’t like it, to hell with everyone.

When you don’t care about what others think, you will not be liked. Time and time again, you will be misunderstood. But that’s okay. You’re not for everyone. Your priority must be what you think of yourself, not others.

Tell people how you feel

We’re in 2021. Still, telling men how they feel scare the hell out of some women. And this’s true for some men as well. A colleague at work loves this beautiful woman whom he works with. She has no idea the person she drinks coffee and eats lunch every day wants to spend the rest of his life with her.

“Tell her how you feel dammit.” I beg him all the time with no success. He is 33 and is terrified. Isn’t that a tragedy? We postpone the most important thing – telling someone we love how we feel – until a day comes where we are no longer scared.

That day never comes.

In the grand scheme of things, stating where you stand with your mind and heart is splendid. Dare to speak of how you feel. The meek and the timid do not know the soaring flights that come by leaning into your fears. To postpone telling someone you love is to invite regret into your days.

Make it a habit to tell the truth as often as possible

My friend who died never told her father the truth. That she wanted to do something else.

We try to make someone happy by not telling the truth.

You do not like your job. But your family is happy. So, you don’t tell the truth. Your romantic partner disappoints you. Telling the truth will put a shadow in his eyes. So you don’t tell the truth. You cannot stand one of your colleague’s gossip. But you don’t speak up. You don’t want your colleague to hate your gut. So you stay silent.

Why sacrifice the truth and make yourself unhappy? The truth will come out sooner or later. So why not speak your truth now? You can be kind and tell the truth at the same time. You must practice this if you don’t want to bleed with regrets later on in life.

Notice the people who love you

“Are you speaking with your dad?” my friend asked me every time I visited her. She knew the strained relationship I have with my dad.

The people who love us are the most important thing. And yet we so often lose sight of this. We get busy. We need to work to pay the bills. To buy the house. To get the promotion. And we just forget. It’s not until we lose our loved ones regret breaks our heart.

While I would love to grow old with my best friend, to sit outside in our rocking chairs as 80-year-old women, reflecting on our lives, I can’t. I don’t have any regrets though because of the quality time we spent together.

Even though I don’t get along with my dad, I’ve started talking to him every day. Your 20s is the best time to create a habit of slowing down, looking around, and spending time with the people who matter to you. I’m not talking about five minutes snatched here and there while staring at a screen. I’m talking about quality time when you are fully present with those around you and your surroundings.

Create habits that line up with what you want for later

I’ve always talked about writing a book one day. “Have you written anything?” My friend asked me repeatedly to motivate me to start writing my book.

I answered: I’m busy blogging, writing to publications, freelancing, and teaching. “Write one page every day,” my friend insisted.

Anything you do right now will accumulate over time, my friends. If, in your 20s, you write a single page a day, you will have (at least) a book to publish in your 30s.

This applies to anything in life.

Embrace experiences

In 2017, my friend had an opportunity to get education in nursing in the Netherlands. She regrets not taking this opportunity the most. Regret is the worst feeling in the world. Because unlike other things in life, it’s irreversible. It’s wishing you had or hadn’t done something differently.

The worst part: you only have yourself to blame.

Say yes if you are curious, my friends. What you experience makes for a rich life.

To Your Inspiration,

Banchi