Lessons from Amy Morin’s book, 13 Things Mentally Strong Women Don’t Do.

---

Women continue to face unique challenges in today’s world. Every woman who strives to become a little stronger today than she was yesterday needs to read Amy’s book.

I recommended the book to one of my students when she asked for my advice.

My student is competing against a female colleague who seems like a creature from another world. This woman is so stunning it is impossible not to stare at her. When everybody sees her face on Zoom, men and women stop what they are doing and gawk at her.

My student is smart. But she also has a bad habit of comparing herself to other women.

The first thing mentally strong women don’t do is: they don’t compare themselves to other people.

Women need to stop doing some things to be mentally strong. Ever since I read this book in 2019, one year after its publication, the lessons in the book have helped me to become a strong woman. I reread the highlights in my book when I want to become a stronger woman than I was the day before.

“Mental strength isn’t something that either you have or you don’t. It’s something you build over time, and it’s something that you need to keep working on developing. Mental muscles are like physical muscles – you have to exercise to keep them strong.” – Amy Morin

Here are 13 things mentally strong women don’t do:

1. They don’t compare themselves to other people

Recently, I met an entrepreneur online who lost this year’s best female entrepreneur in the town she lives. When I asked how she felt about losing the position,

“You know what?” she told me. “I’ve worked hard through the years, and I’ve realized competing against others is a waste of my time and precious energy. I’ve decided to compete against myself a long time ago.”

She went on…

“This is the only tune I am dancing to.”

The skin on the back of my neck pricked with goosebumps. What powerful words.

There is always going to be someone who is richer than you, brilliant than you, smarter than you, more beautiful than you, a better person than you.

Every second spent looking at someone else is better spent working on yourself.

Getting busy helps.

When you have a lot going on in your own life, you’ll be less affected by the lives of those around you. Creating a rich, full life can prevent you from wasting your time worrying about whether someone else is doing better.

2. They don’t insist on perfection

Women are expected to work full-time, run the house, organize calendars, send emails, and do all the shopping. We become a bitch if we ask for help. We feel pressure to have a cleaner house. We are judged for the mess.

Mentally strong women understand perfection is not a badge of honor.

It hurts more than it helps.

You can still have high expectations for yourself. But you can also love yourself for who you are – flaws and all.

3. They don’t see vulnerability as a weakness

Marching through life stoically, your heart neatly sealed, safe from the joys and sorrows of life is not strength.

It’s a weakness.

Pretending we’re Ok may prevent painful emotions – and the people who evoke them – from hurting us. But we suppress our emotions when we project an image so hard and steely to the outside world that nothing can penetrate it.

All of us feel.

We fear.

We hurt.

We doubt.

Mentally strong women feel these emotions, too. But they don’t choose to stay in emotional solitary for the rest of their lives.

Someone has shattered their hearts into million pieces.

Still…

They stay open, to feel those terrifying emotions, to be vulnerable – even if that means getting hurt. They talk about their feelings. They bare their beating, blood-red heart in more ways than we can imagine.

They are free. Open-hearted. Present.

Pulsingly alive.

4. They don’t let self-doubt stop them from reaching their goals

I’m sure men have self-doubt too. But women have it worse. Society still expects us to fail. If not failing, then they have low standards for us.

As a Black woman, I’ve always battled with self-doubt. Recently, I was promoted to lead a team of 8 teachers. Self-doubt almost made me quit my job. But I pushed through and I’m still pushing through.

Mentally strong women have self-doubt, too.

But they don’t bad-mouth themselves. Every time they hear themselves say, I can’t do that, I’m not good enough, they talk to themselves. They take action, one small step at a time. They understand that we are the only ones responsible for the traps we set for ourselves. And, as such, the only ones with the ability to find the way out.

5. They don’t overthink everything

One of my friends is a sensitive striver.

As a product lead at a major technology company, her job is to make decisions. How should the team prioritize features to develop? Who should be staffed on projects? When should products launch?

She loves her job. But she wastes hours in unproductive mental loops – analyzing variables to make the “right” choices. She worries about the future and imagines all the ways a launch could go wrong. Then, she would beat herself up for squandering valuable time and energy deliberating instead of taking action.

My friend is a typical example of a woman who overthinks everything.

Overthinking about every decision or scenario or worrying about every move does not help. When we overthink, we spend too much time thinking, getting stuck in a loop of inaction. This pattern not only does not move us forward, but it also moves us backward and downward.

There’s a time to think, a time to act, a time to reflect, and a time to move forward.

6. They don’t avoid tough challenges

In the movie, We Bought a Zoo, one of the characters says a powerful line,

“Sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage – just, literally, twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery – and I promise you, something great will come of it.”

I love this line. Every time tough challenges barge in through my door, it reminds me all I need is twenty seconds of insane courage.

In the absence of tough challenges, you won’t grow and stretch. Think of all the other things you miss out on simply because you don’t dare try. Take the first step even if you’re terrified.

Act as if you feel brave and keep moving.

7. They don’t fear breaking the rules

Perhaps what you need is to live your life according to your terms. Perhaps you need to worry less about doing what everyone else says works for them. Perhaps you need to ditch a few gender norms or quit following advice that doesn’t work for you.

Perhaps breaking the rules may be just what you need to live a better life.

“Simply asking yourself why you’re doing something – or why not – can help you escape the herd mentality.” – Amy Morin

8. They don’t put others down to lift themselves up

Putting others down is a weakness.

This does not mean you have to tolerate unhealthy behavior. It’s important to set limits with people who aren’t good for you. That may mean physically distancing yourself or speaking up for yourself.

But you can do all that without blaming others or putting them down.

9. They don’t let others limit their potential

There are some obvious ways someone might limit your potential – like giving up when someone says you won’t succeed. But there are also subtler ways you might be allowing other people to hold you back from becoming your best self like:

. Maybe a family member discourages you from doing something and you don’t do it.

. You don’t try things you want to do because you fear your friends will make fun of you.

. You believe that stranger who calls you a loser on the internet.

No matter what others say, you have limitless potential to change, grow, and thrive. Mentally strong women drown out voices that tell them “that’s impossible”.

10. They don’t blame themselves when something goes wrong

Everybody makes mistakes. It’s a cliché you may or may not believe, but it’s true.

Mentally strong women don’t obsess, “If only I would have…, this wouldn’t have happened. It’s my fault.” Mistakes don’t spell the end of times for them. They keep pressing forward, carrying with them the knowledge they’ve learned throughout their toughest moments.

11. They don’t stay silent

“How did you learn to speak in front of people without fear in your voice?” I’ve been asked this question many times.

Before I learned to find my voice, I was the shyest woman in any room. I remained silent not because I didn’t have an opinion. I had thoughts, feelings, and something to say. And yet, I remained mute in global gatherings and team meetings. My voice wavered, “um. I’m sorry but…” I hesitated, “Should I say it or not?” I used needless words, “I mean, like well, I think that…”

Speaking up terrified me.

I practiced repeatedly until I could speak in any gatherings.

You can learn to raise your hand and speak up. You can stop speaking only inside your head. This is important because you know the answer no one else can hear. You might be the smartest person in a room. You might have a novel perspective that adds value. But without speaking up, no one can hear your thoughts.

“We realize the importance of our voice when we are silenced.” – Malala Yousafzai

12. They don’t feel bad about reinventing themselves

One of the bravest woman I know is my student who started a new career as a restaurant chef at 48. She could have talked herself out of pursuing new dreams. She could have let her age stop her from pursuing a new path.

Most women in her position would let excuses get in the way.

She didn’t.

Even though some of her friends thought she was in a mid-life crisis, she never stopped. She got up early before everybody in her family woke up and practiced new dishes.

Now, she owns a famous restaurant with the tastiest dishes I’ve ever tasted. It’s easy to look at successful women who’ve reinvented themselves and claim they are destined for success. But that’s not the truth. These successful women we admire fought the inertia of life and took the first step in a new direction they wanted. Then, they got to work the next day. And the next. And the next.

Nobody is going to praise you for having the guts to try something. The people you’re close to might even call you crazy! No one might understand what you’re trying to do.

But that’s okay.

The only one who needs to understand why you’re reinventing yourself is you.

You can be your own champion.

13. They don’t downplay their success

Do you have trouble owning your success?

Everybody knows that failure is uncomfortable. But success can also be uncomfortable.

Ask yourself these questions:

. Do you feel unworthy of your accomplishments?

. When you succeed at something, do you always credit external factors like good luck or help from someone else?

. When people say nice things to you or about you, do you question their sincerity?

Those are signs you downplay your success.

Women struggle with this the most. I remember many times when I “dumped myself down” when a man was present. When I gave a man credit for the idea that I actually came up with. When I asked for help doing things I could do myself. When I assured the man I was with that he was better than I am.

Perhaps you have done this yourself.

Owning your success isn’t about bragging. It’s not the same as flaunting your success. It’s about coming to terms with reality. Recognize your strengths. That helps you to feel confident in who you are and what you’re capable of achieving.

---